Death is a reality that is difficult to talk about, understand and accept for both children and adults. Adults may think that this is something that should be hidden from children, sometimes for their own anxieties and sometimes to protect children from the traumatic effects of death. However, children need the explanations and help of adults they trust to cope with this difficult situation. Honest and sincere explanations made to the children by their parents, if possible, by adults whom they know, trust or have close relationships with, and providing environments where they can talk and express their feelings will help children to survive the post-death mourning process in a healthy way. No matter how appropriately the death is told to children, the loss of a loved one, especially a parent, is a difficult event. As in adults, there will be a mourning process in children as well.
Children's perceptions and understandings of the concept of death differ according to their developmental level. Until the age of two, children are too young to fully grasp the concept of death. Death in their eyes is like a long separation or journey. In the preschool period, death is a temporary event for the child; They think that the deceased will return again. During this period, children may think that the deceased will be revived by making strong wishes and wishing enough. In primary school, children begin to perceive the fact that death is an irreversible end, but they believe that they and their loved ones will not die. They often think that death will happen to sick or old people. After the age of 10, children begin to perceive the concept of death more clearly. They know that death is the end of life, it can happen to anyone, and there is no going back to life.
How and by whom should the news of death be told to children?
If possible, the child should give the news of his death to the parent, and if the parents are not alive, the person whom he loves, trusts and feels closest to. If the child does not have any relatives alive, a person with whom he can establish a close relationship can give the news. It is important not to lie to the child, otherwise his confidence may be shaken when he learns the truth.
The child should be told in simple language that death is the end of life and that the deceased will no longer come. It should be expressed in language appropriate to the age of the deceased that the bodily functions are no longer functioning. It is important to use the word 'death'. Concepts such as passed away or gone will confuse the child in the concrete stage more. Comparing death to sleep, especially in young children, may lead to the development of the idea that he may die during sleep, and as a result, to have sleep problems. They may feel restless if their parents are also sleeping. Comments that the deceased person watches or sees the child from above may cause a separate uneasiness in children.
There should be room for children to ask questions about the subject, and answers should be given in a concrete language. Thus, confusion and unrealistic dreams can be avoided. If the person has difficulty answering or is unsure of what to answer, it's okay to express that they need some time to answer the question, but it's important to return to the question afterward as promised. Ignoring questions may cause the child to fill in the blanks on his own, ultimately increasing his curiosity and anxiety.
For the child, the behavior of the person who will tell the situation is also very important. It is necessary to avoid exaggerated reactions and to allow plenty of active listening if the child wants to tell. Thus, the child can express himself and his feelings. The most important change in the life of a child who has lost a relative is the fact that the deceased is no longer there, and the child experiences safety concerns about life. The child has lost the belief that his parents will always be with him, and he is met with the thought that he will die one day. “And are you going to die too, or am I going to die too?” These are questions that children often ask during this period. It is important to give clear and reassuring answers to these questions that will help you think “We are all healthy right now, we have a long life ahead of you and us, we are here, together, and safe now”.
Children may feel lonely during this period, and they need someone who can support them both emotionally and physically. The child who lost a loved one may show anger, aggression and babyish attitudes. It should be known that this situation is temporary, and the child should be treated with understanding and patience. Children should be allowed to express their sadness through activities such as playing games, painting and sports. It should be ensured that the order that the child is used to (meal times, sleep times, rules, etc.) is preserved as much as possible. Photos, belongings and memories of the lost parent/relative should not be tried to be destroyed. A memory corner can be created where the family can remember the lost person.
Children's refusal to go to school because of fears that bad things will happen to them or their parents during the grieving process; observing fears and anxieties experienced so intensely that they interfere with daily activity and normal order; symptoms such as sudden decline in school success, introversion, lack of attention, reluctance, sleep and eating disorders, sadness, and crying frequently for a long time; Symptoms such as constantly imitating the deceased and frequently emphasizing the desire to go to the deceased are some of the warning signs that the child needs help. Parents should not avoid getting expert support in these and similar situations.
